Love

One of my favorite quotes is from a movie written and directed by Woody Allen called "Vicky Cristina Barcelona":

Vicky: So, uh, tell me, why..why won't your father publish his poems?

Juan Antonio: Well, because..ugh..he hates the world and that's his way of getting back at them; to create beautiful works and then to deny them to the public. Which I think is—

Vicky: God. .

Juan Antonio: mmmm…

Vicky: Well, what makes him so angry toward the human race?

Juan Antonio: Because after thousands of years of civilization, they still haven't learned to love.

I can totally identify with the father/poet figure in the movie, who I think is also a self-portrait of Woody Allen. It's so easy to see and feel that the problem with the world is that people do not know how to love. (insight one). It's tempting to feel rage at their lack of understanding insight one (for me, because it makes them unhappy and I hate to see people unhappy). Ironically, "getting back at them" (revenge) isn't loving! So, he's missing out on the second insight, of knowing what love actually is. Woody Allen talks a lot in his movies about how when people are happy in love, they just got "lucky". He has no idea how they got happy; they're lucky, he figures. I think that's true, some people are lucky in love. But I think that there's a bigger answer here, because I have the belief that there is a definition of love. Which means it can be taught and applied. This gives the world a lot of hope.

I think that few people have figured it out. It takes a lot of work to think about things, so most people don't bother, which is what makes me so often sad, because even a little effort could put you on the right path. However, I do think that a few unusual children, adolescents, and adults have figured out what it is. Now applying it perfectly is a whole other thing! (which isn't going to happen in this lifetime). (insight three, not really an insight more of an action involving wisdom). I think, in the end, a person has to be taught about love directly by God. A person who does not know God may figure out what love is (and learn to love) but doesn't know where it comes from or who to thank and so they mimic something that may eventually fall apart because they'll have so little to sustain them.

I believe that love is giving to someone else without asking for anything in return (although being very grateful if love is returned) in such a way as to help the other person grow (growth is experiencing God's perfect love and other's love more and more which brings the person real happiness). In loving others, we become who for a long time lost as people we were meant to be.

Tim Keller (pastor of Redeemer Church in NYC) kept talking about this movie: "Three Seasons". (Winner of the Grand Jury Prize at the 1999 Sundance Film Festival – a very cool, super-artsy film festival in Utah started by Robert Redford). He hadn't seen it himself, but he heard about one of the stories of the three tangentially intertwined tales in the movie and was so moved by it, he kept using it as a sermon illustration to describe what love is. He got my curiosity so piqued, I found it on Amazon and the part he liked was my favorite part, too. It takes place in Vietnam and this cyclist (a gentleman who earns his money taking tourists around on a cyclo) falls in love with a high-end prostitute. He waits outside the expensive hotel for her everyday so he can cycle her home. On their journeys, she tells him of her plans to raise enough money to be free of the life she's in. She says she dreams that when she has earned enough money to buy her freedom, then she could just stay in the same expensive hotel all night with no pressure and enjoy the air-conditioning and sleep all night into the next morning. One time, he asks her how much she charges for a night and then eventually enters a cycling contest so he can raise enough money (but only if he wins). He does win, and he goes back to her, and even though she's a little surprised, he acquires her services for the night, and spends all his money on her. And when they go to the room, he has her put on a comfortable gown (he bought for her) and then asks her to rest peacefully for the night and go to sleep. She's kind've shocked, knowing his attraction to her, but tired and overwhelmed. She goes to sleep. And so what he purchased for her was part of her heart's dream. He watches her sleep and it brings him a sense of joy that he could give her something that would make her truly happy. Later, the next day, he stops by to see her at her house and she can't even see him. She couldn't believe that he did that for her, and now that she has had time to reflect, it really overwhelms her and makes her feel uncomfortable. She believes she is so unworthy of such open-hearted unselfishness, that puts her desires above his. But by the end of the scene, he soothes her.

Later in the day, he takes her to an avenue with trees that have large red blossoms falling just to give her the pleasure of enjoying the beauty and warmth. Ha! I wrote a poem after I saw the movie (it basically just describes the moment):

I'm no longer in the shadows,

I've come into the light,

The sun is glowing through my red gold hair

Bright red petals are falling

My dress is as white as a lotus flower

He's smiling as he's standing there—

Handing me a book to read

The sun is brighter than I thought,

And warms my head

I am welcomed and accepted

By my desired friends,

Even a song is in my heart,

Rolling like some gentle hills,

I've let go,

I've come out,

And found what I've looked for,

Love is so much better than I thought,

It accepts me as I am, And it's all I can do to soak it in…

Letting the petals fall all around me.

(I'm writing it as if she's me and gave her my color hair too!:)). So this gives us a sense of the unusualness of real love. It's unconditional, it loves the unlovable. I forgot, I loved how he asked her to wash off her makeup when he gave her the gown to wear in the hotel, it refreshed her, but he wanted to let her know he accepted her exactly as she was, and she didn't wear makeup again after that. (I think a symbol because she felt accepted).

But I think this is only the beginning of love. But it's a relationship. Note, that he doesn't ask for anything in return, except the pleasure of seeing her happy and protected. Although he would be happy if love was returned. Imagine, if we all loved each other like this all the time. Always giving like that in every circumstance. Note, also, that to truly love someone is to be interested in their growth as a person (love's purpose). It's enlightening.

The lady was transformed by such love, and leaves her life of prostitution (she even puts on a white dress):

As you can see, love can be applied towards everyone. It was meant to be a dance; God loving us, us loving him, and loving each other.

Never forget, the greatest picture of love is Christ himself, he came from God, he is God, and God is love. Letting who he is sink in until we feel his love and learn to love is the best way possible to truly feel loved (knowing now what it is) and to learn to love (watch his pattern).

So, what about special relationships? You can love anyone. So how do you pick those? I've often had that question in my mind when I've been at "bible studies" and I often hear people say: "Healthy Relationships should be based on God!". I just want to roll my eyes. That is so inane. "God!", they pipe like little children. LOL. Anyways, this childish idea of basing your relationships "on God" doesn't make any sense. You can't build on God. I think the simple answer is wisdom.

(Hmmm… I think what's bothered me for all these years is that I feel so outnumbered in my opinions. (esp growing up). I think that it would be a good idea to doubt myself when no one sees your point of view. But God's people are often the minority. It can feel tempting to doubt yourself or despair at life, but thanks be to God who is in control! (The prophet Elijah was not alone and neither am I. I Kings 19:14: "I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too". I Kings 19:18 God replies: Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal…).

Anyways :). That was a deep wound.

The simple answer is wisdom. This involves many things. It should come from a place of love. I've come to believe that the Bible is the source of all wisdom. It resonates with me that it is God's word and therefore the authority for my life. Applying it (in its many facets), imperfectly, as we do, is the pattern for guidance in a human's life. For a person who doesn't believe that the Bible is God's word, common sense, would be the best determiner. But I'm a huge believer in common sense, and I think so is God, he transcends it, but he also encompasses it. For me, the thing in life that helps me know if something is real is experiencing it. We experience God, and it's up to him to do the rest. So, you have to know yourself, you have to know what you want and what you don't want, you should (possibly) understand your temperament and enneagram (I think it's helpful, but you need to understand it deeply and well, many people fall into the trap of grasping a little of those concepts and then use them to abuse others, so those studies should come with a warning label, although I think everyone should learn it, but always be humble with it). (I'd love to conduct seminars introducing people to the subject, although I think it would wear me out). You should understand yourself well enough to know which types of people are easy for you to live with (both in personality and character).

The biblical concept of marriage is "two lives blending into one". That definition should guide the process. Two people should be united. But what are two lives made up of? A life is made up of interests, activities, and goals. God created us with interests and passions that it is not a sin to follow, in fact that's the best way to serve him. The interests then decide what kinds of activities we want to pursue and may give us visions for our goals. Clearly, for a Christian, this is all informed by a Christian's relationship with God. But it is their God-given interests that create the activities that fulfill the goals. This is the most healthy and productive way to live. These things are done in a way that is true to ourselves and is informed by the ways of love.

Paul Meier, Frank Minirth, et al. describe in their textbook: Introduction to Psychology and Counseling: Christian Perspectives and Applications, a 5-level classification system for marriages. (p. 334) "A conflict-habituated marriage is held together largely by fear of loneliness, but may also be held together by conflict. A devitalized marriage is often held together by the children; although free of a lot of overt conflict, it is devoid of zest. A passive-congenial marriage is a 'pleasant marriage' with some sharing of interests but without much intimacy; most of the interests of each individual center outside of the marriage. In the vital type of relationship at least one major goal is pursued in common. Finally, in a total marriage, most of the interests, activities, and goals are pursued in common".

People who have most of their interests, activities, and goals in common are happy. The others are not so much. This makes me very sad. It is not only wise and right to build from a mutual love for God, a mutual perspective, a mutual point of view, a mutual interest (and it is important for this interest to truly be shared mutually to be enjoyed in a similar way), a mutual way of life, a mutual lifestyle preference, but it is also the point of greatest pleasure. What brings you the greatest joy is doubled in enjoying that same thing with someone else who enjoys it for the same reason in the same way and the same thing as you. It doubles your pleasure. (And it's not gum). You enjoy it alone, great. You enjoy it with someone else who understands, double great. This is friendship and the sweetness of life. Note, how what is wise and good (unity, mutuality in a marriage) also brings the greatest happiness. Wisdom and happiness are not in conflict with each other.

This doesn't mean you can't enjoy your differences. But these are the difficulties. If you are drawn to someone because of their differences and try to build from there, it will smack you in the face. You are either trying to depend on them too much, or live through them. Neither of these can be done for very long to very much effect. My friend, who teaches my art therapy class said that "similarities are the sweetness in a relationship, it's what glues you together, differences aren't the important part". This understanding comes from the wisdom of experience. I have yet to talk to someone who has lived long, who doesn't believe that similarities are the basis of a healthy relationship. Many people go into relationships without knowing that. I think you can call it the honey, it sweetens your togetherness and sticks you together.

I came up with my own theory about differences, because they do enhance you. I think they should be in one of these categories in a healthy friendship: (1) tolerable (can live with). You should think this through and not find it too significant. Remember to be loving. (2) complimentary (example: He likes to build furniture, a craftsman. She likes to pick the color of the paint, and arrange the furniture, an artist. Together, their project is united. (3) healing (example: Her warmth is something he didn't experience much in all his years of living and he could really live with for all the rest of his years. He may find it heals him. She appreciates his logic or support that she never experienced very much. He's her rock).

These differences should make up the bulk of the differences in the relationship.
Some personalities are more suitable than others. Some relationships are happier. Most of my close relationships (nay, all) are made up mostly of similarities, and the few differences are tolerable, complimentary, or healing.

Intolerable or annoying differences come from experiencing someone's bad character, unless you're being hard to please. But don't mix up hard to please with never having enjoyed a relationship with someone with whom you are truly compatible.

Anyways… thoughts to chew on. More to follow in the future, no doubt. :)

So, anyways, I'm saying Respect, Friendship (common viewpoint), and Romantic love will work as a starting formula.